I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
