On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
