It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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