Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
