When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
