he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
