i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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