I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
