i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
