So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I supernannyed him into submission
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
