so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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