All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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