OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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