Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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