I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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