we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
