We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
