My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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