Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
