Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
did i walk over a car last night?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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