3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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