I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
