Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
