PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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