I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
