All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
