I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
