where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
