we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just want to make out with him forever
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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