Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
