i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
