He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
