Michael Bay diarrhea
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
