one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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