i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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