im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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