I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
