Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
