I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
