btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
