I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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