1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
