Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
