You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
