I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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