He had one of those small greek statue penises
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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