I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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