what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dick very happy bro
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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