I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
