Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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