I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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