Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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